When Did They Stop Giving Away Toasters?
Don’t you just hate it when you go down to the bank to make a withdrawal, get accused of stealing the bank manager’s “manhood”, and have to flee an angry lynch mob? I know I do, and I tend to avoid those situations like the plague, because they can put a serious crimp in your [...]
That's My Air You're Breathing
Hearty congratulations to Angeles Duran of Galicia, Spain, who has not only single-handedly solved the world’s economic crisis, but has also come up with a most excellent way to monetize her crazy. Ms. Duran, who owns the Sun, is graciously donating the majority of royalties she earns from our usage of her star to the [...]
"Burlington, VT: We May Have Different Priorities Than You, But The Skiing Rocks"
Old impression of Vermont: Great skiing, beautiful landscapes filled with kind countryfolk who genuinely care about each other. New impression of Vermont: Nazi state regime filled with scary, cow-worshipping maniacs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, Vermont. Please don’t behead me.
Just In Case You Were Wondering
How to give your opossum a pedicure. Favorite line: ”I would NEVER make a moral judgment on an opossum… and neither should you.” [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MRE2K3x-AY&feature=player_embedded]
I'm Sure We've All Learned A Valuable Lesson
Washington State man shoots himself in the testicles in order to show us all that there’s apparently a vas deferens between being a responsible gun owner and just being a nimrod.
We Probably Wouldn't Have Predicted This Either
An eland at the Oakland Zoo in California was given a pregnancy test made for giraffes and, to the surprise of zoo officials, was discovered to be absolutely not pregnant with any giraffes whatsoever. She was, surprisingly enough, pregnant with a baby eland and, to the continued surprise of all zoo officials, gave birth to it [...]
We're Pretty Sure This Will Not Stand Up In Court
A Lancashire handy man leans his ladder against a tree branch to do some pruning, proceeds to saw off THAT VERY BRANCH and then sues his employer for damages. I’ll repeat that. A Lancashire handy man le… You’ve already clicked the link, haven’t you?
Personally, We Always Preferred Clearasil
The phrase “performance art” can be such a misnomer.
Just In Time For Christmas
Just in case anyone was worried about what else could possibly happen after I reported the End of The World As We Know It back in September, I bring you now Michael Menkin, inventor of the Thought Screen Helmet. In his selfless quest to save humanity from the Alien Mind Control Invasion From Hell, Mr. Menkin [...]
This Is Not A Drill: The World Ended Yesterday. We Have Proof.
Did everyone have a good day yesterday? Yes? No major problems, like, I don’t know…. the world coming to an end? Because according to certain Rapture-promoting websites, September 21, 2009 was your last day to party like it’s… uh….2009. And they have mathematical proof. Hang in there with me, you’ll love this. I’ve gone on [...]
Craigslist: When Setting Your Elders Adrift On An Ice Floe Just Won't Do
Once upon a time, we as a country valued ingenuity and resourcefulness. In fact, rumor has it that our country was founded on those very qualities. Some people are skeptical, but I have proof that the great ideals that America runs on — Dunkin’ Donuts excluded — are alive and well. Michael Amatrudo, a 51 [...]
And We Were Having A Wonderful Time, Until Somebody Pulled A Cheeto
I don’t know what the world is coming to when decent, hard-working Americans can’t engage in peaceful, fun-loving leisure-time activities, such as hooting at the people who appear on “American Idol” during audition rounds, without some thug with snack-food violence on his mind spoiling the party. As a safety-minded parent, of course, I am troubled [...]
“It’s Not PMS, It’s You”
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