This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Ever since I can remember, I’ve thought of our country as one, big, mostly happy family. Stay with me on this; it’s not as delusional as it might seem.

Like all families, there is always one relative who gets caught doing something naughty.  And instead of admitting fault and taking his time-out like a man, this relative decides to take the passive-aggressive way out and stockpile potentially dangerous, radioactive elements in the hope that implying that they were capable of nuclear devastation would be enough to make us say, “Ha ha! No, really, we forgive you.  Now please put the bomb down.”

What, that’s never happened in your family?

Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised when Goldman Sachs, they of the ginormous securities fraud case, announced recently that they were thinking about paring back on their securities trading business and buying up all of the uranium CEO Lloyd Blankfein could get his hands on.  Who amongst us hasn’t secretly resented the familial criticism that rears its ugly head every time the SEC accuses us of constructing bogus investments and taking money from hedge funds in order to allow them to influence the portfolio selection process?

Really?  Still no?  OK, maybe it’s just my family.

According to what I’ve read, Mr. Blankfein seems like a nice man who just happens to find himself with his back up against the wall.  A tad hostile, perhaps, but who can really blame him?  It’s not like he’s not working for the greater good.  The information coming from his Constellation Energy Group says that the sudden interest in uranium is due purely to help promote a continued reliance on nuclear energy.  In fact, I think we should thank him for his selfless efforts.

Here he is:

Now, doesn’t he look like someone OMG IT’S ERNST BLOFELD! Run! Run for your lives!

Tags: Blankfein, business, family, fraud, Goldman Sachs, James Bond, nuclear, stocks, uranium, villain