Pass Me Some of That There Jumbo Shrimp
Sitting down? Good. Maintain a steady grip on your armrests, because this one might hurt your brain.
An Italian economist interviewed by CNBC Europe says we now appear to be entering what he calls a “Growth Recession.” Yes, I thought of George Carlin’s oxymorons routine, too.
Why Jane Gassner Rocks My Socks Off
New and very funny interview with Jane Gassner of Mid-Life Bloggers, over yonder. Jane is a stitch and I had a lot of fun with her on this one. She made it easy, which was a blessing for someone who is not completely comfortable with the interview process yet, much like this one I did about a year ago.
Thanks Jane!
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
Ever since I can remember, I’ve thought of our country as one, big, mostly happy family. Stay with me on this; it’s not as delusional as it might seem.
Like all families, there is always one relative who gets caught doing something naughty. And instead of admitting fault and taking his time-out like a man, this relative decides to take the passive-aggressive way out and stockpile potentially dangerous, radioactive elements in the hope that implying that they were capable of nuclear devastation would be enough to make us say, “Ha ha! No, really, we forgive you. Now please put the bomb down.”
What, that’s never happened in your family?
Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised when Goldman Sachs, they of the ginormous securities fraud case, announced recently that they were thinking about paring back on their securities trading business and buying up all of the uranium CEO Lloyd Blankfein could get his hands on. Who amongst us hasn’t secretly resented the familial criticism that rears its ugly head every time the SEC accuses us of constructing bogus investments and taking money from hedge funds in order to allow them to influence the portfolio selection process?
Really? Still no? OK, maybe it’s just my family.
According to what I’ve read, Mr. Blankfein seems like a nice man who just happens to find himself with his back up against the wall. A tad hostile, perhaps, but who can really blame him? It’s not like he’s not working for the greater good. The information coming from his Constellation Energy Group says that the sudden interest in uranium is due purely to help promote a continued reliance on nuclear energy. In fact, I think we should thank him for his selfless efforts.
Here he is:
Photo courtesy of the AP/Manuel Balce Ceneta
Now, doesn’t he look like someone OMG IT’S ERNST BLOFELD! Run! Run for your lives!
The Year of the Dog: My Guest Turn on Motherhood Later
I was thrilled to be asked to contribute a piece on parenting to the wonderful Motherhood Later blog. Thanks to Robin Gorman Newman, the goddess behind the blog, and also to Amy Reynaldo, for being my guru of the interwebs.
Paging Dr. Obvious
Apparently, it is all in our heads, but, like for real. Like we’ve been saying all along. And when those new neural pathways and “abnormalities” finally kick in, they are going to be so sorry they doubted us. Oh,
are they going to be sorry.
This Will Make Uranus Sore For Sure
Indiana Tea Party Has Democratic Candidate For Dinner
… with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. I kid, of course. No one ate anyone as far as I can tell, and it would be totally irresponsible of me to suggest otherwise.
Of course, it’s a small step in the right direction for the conservative members of the self-declared Tea Party to want to learn more about the other side’s
Democratic candidate Sanders, in a white-wine sauce with shallots
campaign strategies, sorry, ideology for the purposes of opening their own minds, and we applaud them for it. It would be completely jaded of me to set forth the notion that they had him for dinner, damn! had him to dinner for any other reason than to share a fine meal, exchange viewpoints, and do everything they could to help bring the two sides closer together. That’s the kind of sensationalistic journalism that I personally can’t stand and will not abide here, although I do find it kind of curious that they asked him to bathe in chicken broth before he made his appearance, don’t you? That definitely would have been a huge blip on my radar, but that’s just me.
Thankfully, though, the Democratic candidate made it wholly and safely through the evening, until he brought up the subject of Obama and immigration, whereupon the crowd open-mindedly stoned him to death.
The Machine That Goes “WOO-WOO-WOO!”
One of the things I admire most about those who go into science as a profession is the creativity and critical thinking required to advance us as a species. I can think of quite a few scientific inventions that have increased our quality of life — the microscope, vaccinations, this — but sometimes a few of us wander off track, so to speak, and it behooves the rest of us to pull them back from the brink. Because otherwise, you might find yourself strapped to one of these babies.
Speaking of babies, the previous link is the invention of a Dr. George Blonsky, who somehow got it into his head back in the ’60s that strapping an expectant mother to a
gurney that rotated at neck-breaking speed would make the delivery of a baby easier. Apparently influenced heavily by his mentors, the honorable Drs. Larry, Moe and Curly, it was his opinion that applying centrifugal force would loosen the muscles (not to mention several critical sphincters, I would imagine) necessary to extract the baby.
Those of you who are particularly sharp-eyed will note the considerate inclusion of an expertly-positioned net to ensure that the infant wouldn’t shoot out of the whirling birth canal, taking out several medical personnel in the process. You just can’t be too careful with that kind of thing.
Happy Ending For Al Gore In Sexual Harrassment Suit
In political news, the charges held tightly against former Vice President and alleged “rabid sex poodle” Al Gore have been dropped, according to Portland
"About THIS big... I swear." (Photo courtesy of This Magazine)
television station KOIN. Gore’s accuser — massage therapist Molly Hagerty — was apparently unable to erect a cohesive case against Mr. Gore, and the District Attorney was quoted as saying that Ms. Haggerty did not even have a third leg to stand on, from a totally legal point of view.
All charges in this particular case have been rubbed out, and it is deeply satisfying to see that Mr. Inconvenient Truth is still a stand-up guy.
NEW Bloggy-Contest-Giveaway-Goodness!
The righteous Aimee of Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog is spreading the chocolatey, “PMS” love amongst her devotees by giving away TWO copies of my book to anyone within the U. S. or Canada (abject apologies to my overseas readers; I’ve heard you and I love you lots, but it’s ‘spensive to keep mailing books across the Pond).
Just leave a comment on her blog right over yonder before Tuesday, August 10 for a chance to win.
Some journalistic scoops are just too good to pass up. When a big story comes your way, the best thing to do is to grab your artfully hidden-from-the-Secret-Service Blackberry and tell it like it is. That’s what the fabulous Martha Frankel did, and we couldn’t be more grateful that she sent her observations straight to us here at CYGAWA without any thought to her personal safety and security or, for that matter, her reputation as a journalist. Thank you, Martha, for helping us stay current and for revealing things about OMG FRICKING CHELSEA AND MARC’S WEDDING that probably went uncovered by other, nameless sources who were left to weep outside the door. Pfft. And they call themselves journalists. Kudos also to ace reporters Kitty Sheehan and Mark Cuddy for getting Martha into the wedding of the year in the first place.
Martha Frankel, breaking the news as only she can
Martha, of course, is the author of “Hats and Eyeglasses” (Tarcher/Penguin, 2009), an intriguing memoir about her childhood spent learning the game of poker from her father and her uncle, and more recently, “Brazilian Sexy” (Perigree/Penguin, 2010), co-written with one of the founders of the J Salon in NYC and which reveals the secrets to living a “gorgeous and confident life.” She’s wonderful, and I know you’ll love her and be just as grateful for her reporting skills as we are.
So here, without further ado, is a live report from the wedding of former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky:
Ssshhh. They’ll take my crackberry away if they know I have it. But Chelsea looks gorg. And it’s a very cool wedding.
They just threw out Ruth Bader Ginsburg for having a potty mouth! I’m hiding in the bushes so they don’t hear mine.
Omigod, Bill is f*cking rocking out!
Better not be any crisis tomorrow — Hillary is druuunk!
Just danced with Henry Kissinger. Turns out he’s hawt…
Headed into an hour and a half of these f*cking fireworks. Who knew even this could be boring? zzzzzzzzz….
A skunk just walked right through the crowd! Everyone went running.
O.M.G. I’m sure as sh*t I see Chelsea hiding a baby bump behind that bouquet. Stay tuned.
What the f*ck? It turned into a cash bar at 11!!! I’m gonna have to ask Oprah to buy me a drink. No, no, Gayle will do it.
Hillary got locked in the Port-A-Potty, and Bill is doing the Hokey Pokey.
First puker spotted — turns out to be one of the Bush twins! Who invited them?!
Barbra Streisand and Kid Rock doing duet of “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore” w/Bill on sax! Who knew Hil is a flautist? Best. Wedding. Ever.
Right in the middle of “The Electric Slide” they flicked the lights on and off. Last call!
Blackhawks waiting to ferry guests back to Rhinebeck. Will wait to get on the one w/Tom Hanks. Private party after at the Beek.
Forgot to tell you about the food — Chelsea fooled everyone. It was a total Woodstock thing; Joshua’s did the appetizers (delish!) And Yum Yum noodles did the dinner.
And the cake, which was to die for, was from Jabelli’s bakery (at Lori’s Creative cafe.) A pineapple and whipped cream thing. Wowza!
OK, off to the post-wedding, pre-brunch breakfast.
This is a room full of the most hung-over people I ever been with. Since yesterday. Thank God for mimosas.
OK, finally going to the brunch. Am so over this Chelsea-Marc thing. Just wanna go home to sleep it off.
Well, Chelsea and Marc LOVED my wedding gift (a cherry picture frame with the date and 2 birds carved in.) Going home to sleep it off. Sorry, that should be file my report.
Might have to skip Weight Watchers this week because the wedding was a 2-day pig fest. Bill told me he’s already gained back 8 pounds.
Thanks again, Martha. This one will win us that Pulitzer for sure. Everyone else, head on over to Amazon.com and pick up Martha’s books. You will really love them.
If You Think There Are No Jobs Out There….
… you are clearly not thinking creatively.
BP is hiring. Position requires a positive attitude, an ability to laugh off harsh personal attacks on your character and a willingness to clean up Tony Hayward’s poop.
Please help us. We'll do anything.
Those Liberal Media Bastards…
… now they’re changing Sarah Palin’s eye color.
According to The Christian Science Monitor, the publishers of Sarah Palin’s new book, “America By Heart” (working subtitle: “Because I Should Probably Know Something About It Before I Get To The White House, Right?”), made an executive decision to airbrush her eyes a dull shade of grey, even though her
natural eye color is brown, with just a hint of sparkle.
Brown, the color of the tea we drink when contemplating the evils of health care reform and the attendant death panels.
Brown, the color of the Bridge To Nowhere, which we were for, until we realized we were supposed to be totally against it.
Brown, the color of good old American soil, the soil our ancestors tilled even when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
Your God, will they stop at nothing to keep her down? Compare, contrast, and refudiate.
Old impression of Vermont: Great skiing, beautiful landscapes filled with kind countryfolk who genuinely care about each other.
New impression of Vermont: Nazi state regime filled with scary, cow-worshipping maniacs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, Vermont. Please don’t behead me.
Just In Case You Were Wondering
How to give your opossum a pedicure. Favorite line: ”I would NEVER make a moral judgment on an opossum… and neither should you.”
And Just In Time, Too
Attention, mergers & acquisitions people: SSL International, the makers of Durex Condoms, is being acquired by the firm that manufactures cleansers called Cillit Bang and Finish.
There goes my ‘PG’ rating. You’re welcome.
Don’t Even THINK About Going To Bloomingdale’s
Hey kids! Not sure what to get that hard-to-buy-for relative for his or her birthday? Want to show the world that you look at it a bit differently, like Mac the Macaw on the banner up above? Got a hankering to just show the blog some love?
If there’s anything you’d like to see in the store that’s not there, drop me a line at debamlen@gmail.com.
Here’s a reason why physics should be taught in Business School: Candwiches.
Maybe they're just really small sandwiches
Before I even get into the whole federal fraud thing, or the what-kind-of-moron-would-eat-a-sandwich-from-a-can thing, or even the obvious how-the-heck-did-they-get-that-thing-in-there-in-the-first-place thing, I would like to draw your attention to the convenient pop-top opening at the top of the can. As any soda drinker knows, the opening that’s left after you pop the top is just large enough to sip the liquid from the can, or, if you’re my 10 year old son, to get your upper lip caught in the hole because you’ve decided to try to drink an entire can of Sprite upside down without using your hands and need to have your lip iced until the swelling goes down and the pediatrician can remove the can. It is not, I repeat NOT large enough to facilitate the extraction of an entire sandwich, unless of course you’re a member of the Slow Food movement and you happen to enjoy eating your PB&J in 12,000 tiny little pieces. So there goes your whole ‘bang for the buck’ thing right there.
To make matters worse, the guy who came up with the idea for selling canned sandwiches in a vending machine, Mark Kirkland, made another spectacular business decision and entrusted the raising of capital to one Travis Mitchell, who apparently used the money raised for his own pleasure instead of for the physics lessons Mr. Kirkland so clearly needs.
I would discuss this more but I’m late for a meeting with my investment advisor. We’re hard at work raising capital for my new invention, “Soda in a Styrofoam Clamshell.”
Bathroom From The Future
So I’m considering re-doing our downstairs bathroom. It’s time. Out of all the bathrooms in our house, this one probably sees the most action, mostly in the form of muddy handprints on the towels and walls, Lego people jammed in the drains, and those mysterious sneaker prints near the ceiling. I don’t even ask anymore. Even I have my limits.
You would think re-doing a bathroom would be a relatively easy thing, because everyone knows what belongs in there: You’ve got your sink, your commode
(that’s a toilet where I come from), your tub or shower, and, so you don’t leave the house with food in your teeth, a wall mirror. A little online research and an appliance reconnaissance mission to the Home Depot and I’d be on my way to a new bathroom. I mean, how much could toilets have changed in the years since we moved into our house?
Don’t ask questions unless you are prepared to be flabbergasted by the answer, is my new motto. Turns out I’m still stuck in the 20th century, appliance-wise. According to a report from the technology gurus at PC World and MSNBC.com, we are witness to a whole new era of improvements that will no doubt revolutionize the way we use our bathrooms.
I, myself, am highly suspicious of reviews like this, because you know what they say: it’s all fun and games while you’re testing these products in a lab, but no one’s going to be laughing when the interactive toilets start taking pictures of your butt and posting them on Facebook for all your friends and family to see. Not that I am paranoid, mind you. But as a public service, I’ve decided to present a more real-world take on how some of these products will be seen by the typical consumer:
Withing Wi-Fi Scale and iPhone App – Records your weight, fat mass and body mass index and uploads it via Wi-Fi to the internet. Oh boy, it’s not just a reminder of how many Oreos you crammed in your mouth last night, it’s a social network too. Will route your info to your Twitter or Facebook page if you piss it off.
iHouse Smart Faucet – Uses facial recognition to remember how hot you like your bath water. I’m guessing the ranges of facial expressions that it recognizes runs the gamut from smiling pleasantly to screaming and crying in pain. Also allows you to access your e-mail in the tub, but no indication as to what you’re supposed to do once you’ve read them, since taking your keyboard in the bathtub is technically an electronic no-no.
Oral-B Toothbrush with Wireless Remote – Technically not a major appliance, sure, but I just want to say here and now that the day I need an electric toothbrush with a wireless remote to tell me when the bristles are worn down is the day you need to promise me that you’ll come visit me in The Home.
Stocco Matre Touchscreen Mirror – Actually encourages people to touch the mirror to control lighting, defogging, and musical interludes. OK, now they’re just getting on my nerves. Do they have any idea how much time I spend trying to get the fingerprints OFF my mirrors already?
Toto Talk Interactive Toilet – You really have to hand it to the Japanese. Who wouldn’t love a commode that provides not only the usual services but also will tell you the news, stock quotes and provide daily affirmations as well? I kid you not. Hit the button that says “Brown Nosing” and you can start your day knowing that “your bottom is as lovely as ever!”
And if you can’t believe your toilet, who can you believe?
(Reprinted with permission from The Springfield Patch, 2010)
